Inside Lookin' Out

For mere 16 year-olds, it was very much appaling when my neighbour screamed at us to tone down the radio. You see, the radio wasn't even plugged into the wall socket. It was the sound of Mehua. Don would be the brutal drum god, Jay is the possesed bassist, Andy is the charismatic frontman and me I'm just the 'feeling' lead guitarist. My basement was our stage. My cushions and furniture, the adoring fans.

We were really tight at 16 and we practiced rigorously. Andy and me entered NYP after our O Levels while Don and Jay entered SP. Though seperated, yet we performed at every gig, jam n hop, miscellaneous events organized by our respective schools. There was no need for us to come early for sound checks. We're automatically scheduled as the last band to bring the show to a monstrous end. By 18, we were rendered household names in our own league. By 18 , Andy got himself a scrambler. A devil on 2 wheels has met the devil with 2 voicebox.

School got hectic as we progressed into our 2nd year and the music suffered. 'A Tribute To 70's Rock' was in a month's time and we're scheduled to open the event as the youngest band of the night. Mehua was to perform 4 songs. All handpicked by myself. Our opening song was to be the 9 min masterpiece Inside Lookin Out by Grand Funk Railroad.

"Oi..I don have the CD la for the Grand Funk Song. Can lend me anot?", Andy asked me one morning at school. "Sure. Later you come my house take la", I replied. We were meticulous in every aspect. We wanted to impress. We wanted to look good. We wanted to portray our talents at a level playing field. We wanted to be stars.

A week before the gig and Andy was late. He seems to be spending too much time with Rose. He has not even memorized the whole song for Inside Lookin Out. We were full of angst for we did not have time on our side do we. I was pissed that night and that was the worst jamming session ever. People are going to laugh at us.

Rose called me at 6am the next day. She said Andy got involved in a hit and run and is in ICU. I got the guys together and we visited. I couldn't recognize Andy. He was wrapped from head to toe. His skin was in shreds and yet he seems to be sleeping peacefully. I whispered a silent prayer and left. I couldn't see my best friend this way. We grew up together. I used to sleep in his room, share the same clothes.

Andy passed away the day before the gig. I was in the basement with Don and Jay and Andy's presence was still felt. I looked at the blue cushion which Andy used to wipe his sweat. It was still unwashed. We're that close yet now we'll never know where do we stand. I will never recruit another vocalist. It just wasn't the same. Somehow whenever I looked at those musical instruments, the more I thought about Andy and I decided to quit music.

I visited Andy's mum the next day.She held me close to her though she wasn't chatty like before. The sight of me reminds her of Andy. The same style of dressing. She said she left Andy's room untouched since the last time Andy left the house. She said I could go inside if I wanted to. Each small step I took brought flashbacks since we were kids. Somehow when I turned the knob, I was still hoping to see Andy lying on his bed...ready to throw something at me.The room was full....of void.

I looked at all his posters. Clothes on the floor. His school bag on one side on the room. I saw the trophy we won for inter class soccer in Sec 3. Andy scored the winning goal. Then I noticed the CD player was put on 'Pause'. I pressed 'Play' and was greeted to the raw power that was Inside Lookin Out. I knew Andy was trying his best to memorize the 9 min epic. I was sure we're going to be wonderful on that night that never came. I believe somewhere in time during our next life, we will fulfill that dream.

Shine On This Crazy Diamond

It was time. 9 months passed by so quickly for 8-year old Mikhail. He knew the attention he always recieved was undoubtedly coming to a standstill. The moment Mirza was born, it was always Mirza this and Mirza that. Mikhail felt lost in his own home. Wondering about from room to room seeking the attention he thought he deserved. He felt alone. Lost.

Gone are the days when his Father came home and played football with him in the garden, pretending they were in the mightiest of arenas, against the most gallant of opponents. Instead, his father darts up the creaking wooden stairs and starts cuddling what he thought was a useless lifeform that couldnt walk or speak less for the odd cries and short bursts of pointless laughter. Days like these, you can see Mikhail kicking the ball against his new best pal....the house wall.

Year in year out he felt this way. Always rough with his younger brother. Stealing punches whenever no one is looking. It was his way of getting even. Nevertheless somehow he matured quickly. He grow to be independant and responsible at a young age. It brought the man out of this brave young boy. A blessing that was hiding amongst the flowers.

Then at the tender age of 13, the first bombs fell on Singapore. It was disaster everywhere. School ended prematurely. Everyone was running around like heavy drops of rain against the black road. Mikhail is making his way home as fast as his little legs could carry him. What used to be familiar roads now seemed a maze of rubble. Old Uncle Lim has abandoned his ice-cream cart. The ever smiling Aunty Lyn is drowning in her own tears..sitting on the pavement clutching a motionless Bobby, Mikhail's childhood friend. Would his Mummy have done the same for him he thought endlessly.

Tears welled up in the young boy's eyes as he turned after the junction. Half his house stood burning like cheap firewood on a cold night. He braved the flames and entered. A wailing Mirza awaited in the living room begging for his mother to breathe again. Alas his efforts were in vain. Mikhail grabbed his brother and got out into the garden. Again he was lost. Only now ironically he wasn't alone. Where do we go from here?

They sat under the big mango tree. Waiting for their Father to return for them. Nightfall came and Father was late. He never returned after nightfall before. Admist the chaos that was hammering on the country, admist the wailing sounds of the cruel war, somehow brothers fell asleep hugging each other, like playful lion cubs.

The morning greeted them with dust and dew that was made impure by the flames that was already dying. "Daddy come home already?", Mirza quized in between sobs. "Not yet. We go to his work place ok?", Mikhail said trying to sound comforting.

As they trudged down the now defunct driveway, Mikhail turned back for one last look of the house. His Mother's Orchids were the only colours against the burnt picture that he saw. He ran back and plucked one Orchid. "What you take?", Mirza asked. "Mummy", Mikhail whispered as brothers walked on hand in hand.

Amazingly as fate bestowed upon them, they found their father among the horror. There were tears in their Father's eyes as he embraced his princes. But in young Mikhail's eyes shone courage and confidence; and the Sun shined on them, and cast her beams on the three, and gave them her blessing.

No Regrets

For old time's sake there are many things one could do to rekindle whatever flames that is left. Rockstars would relish for a reunion concert. Sports people would gladly accept exhibition matches. But for people like you and me, I'm sure a chance to catch up with your previous lover could bring around an unexpected tingle.

We met after 6 years of absence. She definitely learnt alot about self grooming. She looked like a new person. I was riveted for a good few seconds attempting to find a similarity to the geek I knew back then. Brown contacts replaced the thick black framed glasses. Flowing hair was as soft as the caressing wind. What a contrast to the Julia of yesteryears.

I cant't help gasping in awe as Julia stood up and catwalked to the bar counter. What a trophy she would have been now. Vivacious personality, to match a pastel smooth skin. Voluptous as a vixen. I knew all the males around there are lookin at her....in amazement. And here she was sitting in the same table with me. I felt weird...but in a good way for definitely all the guys are silently screaming murderous intentions.

Julia came on to me strong. It was impossible to resist I wondered. I was trying my utter best. She was flirting like a fly. Prancing like a hungry wolf. And I was easy meat. Somehow though I managed to keep the physical intimacy at a minimal. Shunning her soft kisses. I wiped my cheeks each time she pecked...just to disgust her.

She invited me inside her apartment but I declined the sumptous offer. She clearly seemed dissappointed. I could see the millions of questions filling her empty head. "Am I not attractive to you?", she quized. "No Julia. You'd make a goddess blush. It's just that Somebody out there loves me", I replied.

Sometimes in life I guess one should be contented with whatever they possess. Luxuries are just temporary joys. Well to that somebody out there : You'll never be a luxury to me. You're a definite necessity. Half My Soul Is You.